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Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor. Billy's Mom's Letters The following appeared in a computer magazine in Mr.

And then I saw dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.

But on the screen there still persisted, words appearing as before. Many people have no other outlet for their E-MAIL drives and must pay a "professional" when their need to E-MAIL becomes too great. I want you to know I'm serious about this question, no matter how silly it sounds: 'What is there about your car that makes it not start when I get vanilla ice cream, and easy to start whenever get any other kind? In a short time, he had a clue: the man took less time to buy vanilla than any other flavor. All the other flavors were kept in the back of the store at a different counter where it took considerably longer to find the flavor and get checked out.

Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore, Saying. " I tried to catch the chips off-guard - I pressed again, but twice as hard. There is a place on our street where you can go to pay to E-MAIL, is this legal? '" The President of the car company was understandably skeptical about the letter, but sent an engineer to check it out anyway. Now the question for the engineer was why the car wouldn't start when it took less time.

by Steve Strunk A pastor of one church who was previously a sailor was very aware of the fact that that ships are addressed as 'she' and 'her'. You can zoom into any picture as far as you want to. " From Data to Wisdom A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. He's a real UNIX Man Sitting in his UNIX LAN Making all his UNIX .plans For nobody ... =================================== Write in C ("Let it Be") ------------------------ When I find my code in tons of trouble, Friends and colleagues come to me, Speaking words of wisdom: "Write in C." As the deadline fast approaches, And bugs are all that I can see, Somewhere, someone whispers: "Write in C." Write in C, Write in C, Write in C, oh, Write in C. I used to write a lot of FORTRAN, For science it worked flawlessly. Write in C, Write in C, Write in C, yeah, Write in C.

He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. For example: "What's that fuzzy thing in the corner? Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.

What demonic nether world is wrought where data will be stored, Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, in blackholes? They need to Get It, if need be by force, Oh Lord won't you buy them a beginners' course?

But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Microsoft and more, You will one day be left to wander,lost on some Plutonian shore, Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore? I don't want to leave it now I'll fix this tonight I vow! I found this posted to a newsgroup that was complaining about the Microsoft "msnews" news server which, no surprize, uses Windows NT. Prove that you love me and put them all down, Oh Lord won't you buy me some new admin clowns?

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead! Prolog You tell your program you want to be shot in the foot. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. They set themselves before their computers and begin. After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and monitors. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Now all my data's gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Windows Virus Scan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. They type furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen. " God chuckles, "Jesus saves." 25 interesting things you learn about computers in the movies....... You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters come across the screen. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. Yesterday, The need for back-ups seemed so far away. Guru Mac Kenzie Typing the lines of a program that no one will run; Isn't it fun? Eleanor Rigby Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work; Feels like a jerk. ==================================== Unix Man -------- He's a real UNIX Man Sitting in his UNIX LAN Making all his UNIX plans For nobody. I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore. He had arranged to meet the man just after dinner time, so the two hopped into the car and drove to the ice cream store. Once time became the problem -- not the vanilla ice cream -- the engineer quickly came up with the answer: vapor lock.

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Then I tried in desperation, several random combinations, Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before. It was vanilla ice cream that night and, sure enough, after they came back to the car, it wouldn't start. It was happening every night, but the extra time taken to get the other flavors allowed the engine to cool down sufficiently to start.

Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. **Contributed to Swenny's E-Mail Funnies by Clint Fast, Fargo, North Dakota** 1. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries. There are no ways to copy a backup file-and there are no undelete utilities. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. I knew my data was all here to stay, Now I believe in yesterday. Look at him working, Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile; It takes a while... Guru Mac Kenzie Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code; Nothing will load. Knows the blocksize from du(1) Cares not where /dev/null goes to Isn't he a bit like you And me? ========================== Something --------- Something in the way it fails, Defies the algorithm's logic! I don't want to leave it now I'll fix this problem somehow Somewhere in the memory I know, A pointer's got to be corrupted. I don't want to leave it now I'm too close to leave it now You're asking me can this code go?